_of Rain

  For those of you *squealing fans* out there, it is not that Rain.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I find no whatsoever attraction in him...

...other than the fact that he is good looking. *blush*

Enough of that Rain. Let's talk about the more general rain.

  It's 4:48am, and it's raining. It has been raining heavily for the whole day yesterday, with the occasional thunder and lightning.

   For those who know me really well, I rejoice when it rains. For the simple reason that I have a very deep affinity towards water (rain in particular). 

This would be how I look like if only I have a raincoat to begin with.

  And yet, yesterday, too, was the day I broke someone's heart. And the day I found out how cruel we would be in order to find our own happiness. With that in mind, I learn to be matured and grateful.

With that in mind, I just want to say:

Dear YQ,

Thank you for everything.

_of Breaking Other People's Heart

Dear Ex,

 

  Blame my selfishness, and nothing else.

_of Fighting and Hurting to Make A Point

  I know. Sometimes, you will fight or hurt someone just to get your point across. It often happens, especially to friends. Close friends.

And this is what currently happen to me and Q.L.

  I am not sorry, because I believe there is no point in making one when you are not sincere/ready or even when you don't know what to be sorry about. But I will admit my wrongs. 

  My first wrong was to leave abruptly. It was wrong, childish even. I know it was a stupid thing to do. What if I kena rompak? Kena kidnapped? What if SHE kena kidnapped? How was I going to tell her family after that? etc etc.

  But then, to cut me some slack, you can never get lost in a place you are very familiar with. Note the word, VERY. Besides, we are both old enough, if not matured enough.

  My second wrong was to be cold. Like very cold. Try not speaking to each other for 3 days. That is how cold it is.

But I want to justify myself.

  It is hard being the person constantly reminded of things that you always lack of (in example, money). I believe we have our limits and our own dignity, don't we? And so, after being "teased" and "ridiculed"...

It is just not funny anymore.

  I keep reminding myself that after two years (and counting), it is pretty dumb to let go of one hell-of-a-friendship that builds on trust, hardships and mostly laughter. It is not often that you find someone who has the same mind (albeit, in a opposite way) as you do.

And above all, I do miss you.

_of Me and My Heart (One Year Later)

Dear Heart,

  Brace yourself. It has been a year exactly today. And you are healing.

P.S. At the very least, just remember: what doesn't kill you really makes you stronger.

_of Glee vs. The Beatles

Grilled Cheesus, Season 2.

  Kurt was singing a song, I Want to Hold Your Hand. It was a Kurt-ly version of The Beatles. Nice song, nice tempo (from Kurt, that is). The Beatles' version sounded happier, which I think it defeats the entire purpose of having a gut-wrenching, tear-jerking love song. Ah well.

I Want to Hold Your Hand

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
I'll let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide

Yeah, you've got that something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

Read more: http://lyricsmusicvideo.blogspot.com/2010/10/glee-i-want-to-hold-your-hand-lyrics.html#ixzz1EriNmxEn

_of Emo Time (Possibly When Reading a Novel)

  I know, I've promised that my previous entry would be the last "emo" entry that I've posted. However, sometimes a girl is only a human, and a human will only do as much.

  Allow me to digress a tiny bit. While leafing/scanning/skipping through reading a Chinese novel, I've came across this Preface (do you actually believe I've "accidentally" came across a Preface? I have to admit, I do have this weird disease of reading from front to back, line by line - including the Publisher Info.)

No wonder people say I look like this.

But I never believe them, coz I prefer this.

   So, back to the main point. The Chinese novel I mentioned earlier is this...

Yes, I know. It looks OLD. What to do? I am very 老派.

_of the preface I was talking about...

   如何忘掉一个人？
如何忘掉一个人？
在午夜，在静到唯有听见自己心跳声的时刻。
如何忘掉爱上一个人的感觉？
在他的影子、他的笑容、他的每一个挑眉与耸肩，早己占满脑海的时候？
如果说爱情是一场重感冒，那微微荡漾的晕眩感夹杂著又热又涨的心悸，究竟该服用什么样的药才治得好？
醒著时，想的第一个人是他，睡著前，最后惦念的也是他，反覆把手机里关于他的讯息和手机号码删了又存、存了又删……浓烈的情感和绝望的理智不断在拔河，一次又一次，自尊却总是输得一塌胡涂。
几度思忖彷徨徘徊，几回想方设法，用尽所有一切合理的理由和借口在他面前出现，就为了瞥著他的一抹影子，然后，惶惶然的心这才踏实了、温暖了。
过后，甜甜的滋味里还是止不住泛出酸酸的凄凉起来，因为知道这不过是一场爱慕、一种暗恋、一朵默默绽放的心事，一颗投入湖中注定悄无声息消失的小石子。
花开无人问，花香无人闻。
然后，终于懂了昔年黛玉葬花的心情。
潇湘妃子葬花时悲咏的岂止脆弱无依失颜色的落花？
还有天下女子匆匆易逝的美好年华，以及心头那一腔千回百转萦绕缠绵酸甜难禁的情丝。
世上男子皆东风，无意招惹却乱纷纷。
如何忘掉一个人？
当你心知肚明，这场邂逅爱隋的意外，只是个美丽的错，永远只是一相情愿的单行道，永远不会有交集，永远没有开始，也永远没有结局。
如何忘掉一个人？
如何，把心情收拾得干干净净，就像从来没有发生过？
天空在未曾遇见他之前，还是那样平静的蓝，没有任何惊心动魄、怦然心动的颜色。
阳光在未曾遇见他之前，还是那样轻轻的暖，不带任何灼热忐忑、缠绵纹身的滚烫。
如何忘掉他？就像忘掉自己原来还有心动的本能，忘掉原来自己还有渴望拥有的感觉？
原该注定静静地、无声掉落的叶子，倘若没有那一缕无意的清风纠缠，命运也将不会如此激烈地盘旋、飞舞、飘荡，不知身将何往。
如何忘掉一个人？
害怕的是，忘了他，或许原来生命中可能出现的彩虹，也将在雨后乍然一现，旋即淡淡褪去、苍白、消失。
然后，你开始会怀疑，自己可曾真正记得、恋上、爱过了一个人？
而他永远不会知道，他究竟错过了什么。

-- Excerpt taken from the novel 媒人请进门 by 蔡小雀

  Before you people come and bash me around the head, let me point out that this novel is available online here or here - for those who want to read the whole novel in full and with bigger font size than what is given above. 

  You may now ask, "what is so-big-deal about it?" This, Young Sirs and Madams, is how I feel these days. I am sure you had this kind of feeling...

...some time in the past.

...or some time in the future.

No? Well. You may just think of it as an academic question.

_of How to describe the feeling (or to translate the preface above)?

  How can you forget someone? When all that is in your mind is the memory of his presence, his smile - every slight expression that he had? He is the first image in your mind when you are awake; he is also the last image you would recall before you go to sleep... (and the preface goes on...)

  "But most importantly, how can you forget someone? When all your memory is filled with him; too strong until you cannot seem to remember how was it before he entered your life. 

  How can you forget someone? When you know deep down that all the things have ended, and yet you still cannot shake the tiniest flicker of hope away. 

  How can you forget someone? When you are constantly reminded of his presence, him being around you - even though with someone new.

  And tell me, how can you forget someone? When everything that he does remind you so much of everything in the past - the past which was all about him and you."

  

-- Not within the preface, these italic words are mine.

Sigh.

Maybe all I need is to keep the heart away...

Or maybe I need more time...

Or MAYBE, I just need this...

If I ask $5 for each hug, I will get... Err. Many many dollars in the future. Yay!!!

Or, I might be okay with...

...a pile of leprechaun gold

...a haunted mansion

...a talking car

...AND Danny Messer.

  Or just Danny Messer. One is enough. *wink wink*

P.S.: This post has become a joke in the end. So much for being an emo.

_of Something rather Related to the Haunted Mansion...

"You have a BRIGHT future, young one. Hold on to the dream. You can scare them away, trust me."

_of Letting It Go

  I've discussed with Q.L. about both the guys we liked. And we have found out something rather enlightening. It is the fact that we were not the ones who let go first, but they did, and therefore, we accept it as it is and there will not be any "remorse" later.

  I guess this makes us more mature as we believe that once you fall in love with someone, you can never let other people replace his/her place in your heart. Hence, the equation for them -> love + other people = not strong enough for us.

  Q.L. and I believe that this will be the only and the best solution for the four of us. Therefore, I hope that we can let it go, and try to move on with our own lives. And also, we still hope that there is The One out there waiting for us (one for each, that is. I do not intend to share any guys with Q.L. That will be EWWW).

 

  

  So, there will no longer be any "emo" stuff or posts about him. The last few posts were enough to show what was my feeling towards him, and I think that ought to do him justice. Therefore, let's move on with our exciting lives, and my New Year Resolution: Find the real me, without any more shadow of him.

Wish me luck, ^_^ 

P.S.: I wish him good luck for his new life, too. Obviously he is happy with the current life, that goes without saying. So, let's just pretend that we never crossed paths with each other. I think that will be the best way for both of us.

 

_of A Person Gone...

  Condolences given to N.F. Her grandmother passed away early last week. Hopefully, she will not deal in sadness for long. Time to move on, and be strong.

Al-Fatihah.

_of Something to Ponder About...

 -> Let's just not comment anything about this. It can get backfired really bad, you know.

_of In A Different Mood

  We are going to have our holiday soon. Very soon in fact, this Friday to be exact. I have a flight ticket back to hometown tomorrow, and something drives me to go back. That's the difficult thing, I know for certain that I do NOT want to go back, but that nagging feeling keeps arising. What should I do? Should I just pack my bags and leave? And in the meantime, promising my old self never to come back again? Or should I stay? And face my nightmare in a few days time? If only someone could give me an advice... I shall have to wait for Q.L. to wake up and discuss soon, after all, she will be in the same flight as mine IF I have decided to go back.

___________________

Dear God,

  Please give me strength for this time around. I really don't know what to do.

_of Sad News

Dear You,

  I've heard about your news today. I wonder if you will invite me, too?



P.S.: A full entry soon, still trying to recover from the shock. And the sadness.

_of Some Corny Stuffs

Dear You,

Corny stuff starts here...

 

  I always make this "segment" in a way that makes it like you are reading it first-hand. But I know, for a matter of fact, you will not be reading this (because you do not know the existence of this blog).

  However, you might then be wondering why I continue doing this? Because there is a slight hope in my heart, that you might just read this and know how I feels. But, it does sound like something that is too good to be true.

  And I miss you. Yes, I do.

Corny stuff ends here.

________________________________________________________________

Gross stuff starts here...

  I am not feeling well. Cheesy and spicy foods make me have diarrhoea, I wonder when did it start? (Oh yeah. Since I've met YOU ).  

_______________________________________________________________

Corny stuff begins again... Q.L. found out we are quite compatible with each other. *roll eyes* And few minutes later, it stops.

Then sad song starts here...

Watch this. 

  -> Let's end the emo thing here. Or else, I might just wallow in sadness.

_of Some Unrelated Things...

 -> Disclaimer: This does NOT indicate my own true feelings. I do NOT have any "malicious intention" towards anybody in particular. Not even towards Q.L.

*cute, big bespectacled eyes blink blink BLINK*

_of Unbelievable News

 -> Me, asked to become a Magistrate? ME?! You have GOT to be joking!!!

  The fact is, I still have 2 years to study, and there is no guarantee what will happen next. So, why am I given a post of Magistrate NOW? Some people really have the weirdest sense of humour. (Err, sorry sis. I did not mean you.)

  Besides, this goes to show how far I will be. If I get this, there is not even any more slight indication that I will meet you, bump into you, or accidentally see you in this lifetime. None, zilch, nada. T_T

  On the other hand, Q.L. and I have created an online-business, to sell our books. Coz there are TONS of them around the house, so if you would like to buy cheaper second-hand books (like the ones on the left - my list of Private Library Collection, just email me. We can sort out the fine prints later). ^_^

_of Something to Humour You Guys...

 -> A very deep philosophical thought. Will think about this for a great deal of time.

_of Something for Q.L...

 -> Do you see what my problem is? I find GREAT delights looking for these kind of stuffs for Q.L. Just the simple fact of her having a Mr. Teddy, and the well-known fact of S.L. vomitting pints of blood if he sees this, too. Wakakkakakakkakakkakkakakkakaka....

 -> Mr. Teddy + cannibalism = The Perfect Q.L. 

Yes. I proved the equation 800 years ago.

_of "Sorry I Love You"

Dear You,

  I re-activated my account again today, just to see how are you and what have you been doing. It seems like you are pretty much happy with your own life now, it's good then.

  But I regret doing so as soon as I saw what was written there. Nothing more that separates me from them, then. It looks like you are much much happier being with them. 

  Maybe it is true that I have been having wild imaginations. I might got all the previous things wrong. You might treat me just like an ordinary person.

  I wonder when was it happened? The first time I had this wrong feeling, maybe if I can recall back, I will know where was my mistake.

  Sometimes, I really like to disappear. Or to forget you. Or hoping that none of these will happen. Coz seeing you like this makes me feels hurt. 

  Hurt, because I am not the one who makes you laugh. Hurt, because I am not the one staying beside you. Hurt, because I am hurt and yet, you are still happy. Hurt, because you can easily get on with your life without my presence in it. Hurt, because I cannot do so, as I think about you everytime I do something.

  Hurt, because I cannot forget how much I love you, not even once.

_of You Were The Reason Why...

Dear You,

 You were the reason why...

1. I deactivated my Facebook account.

2. I re-activated my Facebook account.

3. I deactivated it again.

4. I re-activated it. Again. And again. And again...

5. I always cry when I watch love-themed movies.

6. I like love-themed songs like Speak Now, One Time and The Things You Never Know.
 
7. I continue to like law.

8. I do not want to take CLP.

9. I want to go overseas.

10. I don't want to come back.

11. Age is not a matter to me anymore.

12. Neither do religions.

13. I put my family aside.

14. My legs always hurt.

15. I rarely take medicinal pills anymore. Even when it hurts. A lot.
 
16. I've got to know Q.L. better.

17. I've got to know myself better.

18. I changed my clothing style.

19. And my way of thinking, too.

20. I liked white.

21. I turned back to black.

22. I rarely speak to other guys.

23. I choose my friends carefully.

24. I sometimes cry at night. Thinking of you.

25. My heart hurts sometimes.

26. My hand was bruised on the day you were involved in that accident/fight.

27. My ribcage, legs and waist were hurt on the same day, too.

28. I consider myself stupid because I cannot forget you.

29. I blame myself for making hopes high.

30. I bought Mr. Sammy in the first place.

31. I like and dislike December at the same time.

32. I always look outside the window of the bus to look at car plates.

33. I do not learn how to drive.

34. I put a high standard over those who drive.

35. I find the skill of driving Zen-like is very important.

36. I like people who act cute...

37. but laughed to near death when Q.L. did it.

38. I always went back home quite late last time.

39. I think some swear words can be funny.

40. I created a new email account.

41. I never opened my old account anymore.

42. I believed in true love and happy endings.

43. I do not believe in true love and happy endings anymore.

44. I turned down my ex and the on-off relationship of 4-6 years.

45. I learned to become straightforward.

46. I write this, before I deny the things in here.

On the other hand...

  I was never the reason you did everything you did. Isn't that right?

P.S. This post is a bit weird, I know. But there are some things that I want to say out loud (or write, if you like), before it is too late. After all, SOME lawyers (and future ones like us) do have massive egos.

_of All The Things That You Never Knew 你不知道的事

  This is one of the songs that makes you cry while listening to it (wellllllll, at least I did). Funny how this song reminds me so much of you. I shall keep on shaking my head until you are ABSOLUTELY out from it. 

Lyricist：Leehom Wang & Rui Ye

Composer：Leehom Wang

蝴蝶眨几次眼睛

才学会飞行?

夜空洒满了星星
但几颗会落地?

我飞行 当你坠落之际
很靠近 还听见呼吸
对不起 我却没捉紧你

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣



你的泪滴想倾盆大雨 碎落满地
在心里清晰

你不知道我为什么狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里
多的是 你不知道的事


  I am feeling rather lazy, therefore, I will not provide the English translation here. Just in case you do not know how to read, speak or listen to Chinese words, this might just make your life a downright hell.

  However, there is a brief meaning to the song.

"There are a lot of things you do not know, such as why I left you, why was I cruel to you, why I just let you cry. Sorry that I cannot hold you tight, even though we are close and I can hear your breathing." 

  That is basically what we called a very VERY very brief translations to this favourite song of mine. (Yes, I do appreciate it if my friends speak Mandarin, coz we can just talk and talk and talk about EVERYTHING without worrying that everyone can understand it).

I have successfully annoyed you guys again, don't I?

^_^

_of Praying to God

Bismillah-hirrahman-nirrahim.

Dear God,

  I was wrong. I am sorry.

I know that there will be one better for me, for You do not burden those You love with things unnecessary. 

I know that there will be one better for me, for You will not let anyone to be alone in the world, lest there is someone waiting for them in Heaven.

I know that there will be one better for me, for You will not let me stray away from your path of Faith and you want him to guide me.

I know that there will be one better for me, for I have faith in You,

  And You have never leave me.

Yours faithfully,

Your humble servant.

_of Betting a Chance

  I've tried, and it did not work. Maybe we are not meant to be, maybe the timing is not right, maybe this and maybe that.

Or the simplest reason, 

  maybe you do not want it to be.

_of Family becoming Strangers

  Having been sick for 3 weeks now and yet nothing comforting to hear from the family. Wasting money. Really? What if I DO have dengue? Will that waste money, too?

  Apparently, it will be.

Now you know why I prefer friends over family.

It feels rather sad, does it not?

_of Heart that Cannot be Mended

Ten Things I Hate about You:

None.

Dear You,

  Your actions hurt, but that doesn't mean I will hate you. Funny, isn't it?



 While we are at it...

Dear God,

  If he is mine, he will be mine, no matter what happens. Isn't it?

Dear Y.Q.,

  I hope I could meet you, I really do. As an elusive friend, you are gifted in mending a broken heart. I wish mine is as easy to mend.

_of Broken Friendship

P/S: Hiding from a meeting is a very tedious act. You may or may not get paranoid while doing so, and I am 100% sure there is bound to be some traumatic experience at the end of it. Why is a Pot Luck Gathering so important, ANYWAY?????

  Itchy. Itchy. Scratch. Scratch. Damned all the seafood allergic reactions in the world. Grrr!!!

  
 -> This happens quite a lot of times these days. There are no time to update the blog, (while we are at it, NO TIME TO DO ASSIGNMENTS, either) and therefore, I've gotten myself a Twitter account. 

Sometimes, 140 characters CAN explain what you are doing for the whole day, if your day is as monotonous as mine. Study, sleep, eat, in no particular order. There are times when you wish you have more time in your life, more people to darken your days and more love to brighten your heart. 

Sigh.

 -> This also happened quite recently. He was someone who knew me well, of who I was. But people do change, don't they? And now I have to choose between "Change vs Friendship"? How unfair life can be?

Dear Friend (or Ex, as you like),

  There are many things I want to say to you, but I know neither emails or sms would be enough. You asked me why do I need to change? It's not that I NEED it, it is fairly inevitable. Studying this law course changes a lot of my perspectives in life, and that includes those people that I've met.

  You told me that some people whom you have met affected your views in life. And trust me, that is the same with me. I've seen some people who smile when they are talking to you and say A LOT of bad things when you have turned your back on them. I've seen some people who really REALLY like to bully you just because they are feeling up to it. I've seen some people who break your heart and crush your dreams after you have wholly give it to them.

  I do not want to be judgemental, but you were not there. And therefore, please, for the sake of our friendship, do not condemn my change. It hurts to hear that I need to choose between my protective shield and our friendship. 

Yours sincerely, 

Me.

_of Some Random Thoughts

"Ten Things I Hate about You" will be posted soon.



Stay tuned.